To set the stage, I am not a handy, physical, 3D craft-kinda creative person. At the risk of dating myself, do you remember the scene in Apollo 13 (1995) where they dump a bunch of random stuff onto a table, and Ed Harris, is like….”If you don’t figure out how to turn this into a CO2 filter, Tom Hanks & Kevin Bacon are totally gonna die?”

If I were given that task….Tom Hanks & Kevin Bacon would totally have died.

*Adorable Brian….blissfully unaware that neutering is even a thing that happens in the world.*

This week, my 10-month-old Golden Retriever/Spaniel puppy, Brian, got neutered. Despite having dogs my whole life, this was the first time that I have been responsible for the neutering. The cone of shame has just been a funny idea in my head…..not an actual real-life situation I have spent time contemplating. Spoiler. They are not funny. They are a horrible pain in the ass, and your dog has to wear one for TEN to TWELVE DAYS. <eyebrows raised in skepticism and disbelief>

For those of you who have not seen the Disney movie UP - one, great movie, two, here is the Cone of Shame reference.

*Tragically betrayed Brian, sentenced to the Cone of Shame*

Breaking the Cone

So we tolerated the cone for a day, but it was tough for Brian to eat or drink. So, on the morning after the surgery, I decided to take the cone off so he could eat breakfast. Terrible mistake. For all you wannabe amateur Cone of Shame assemblers out there…..it is harder than it looks….and I broke it. There was much rejoicing in dog-land and much panic in human-land.

I had ordered an adorable and much friendlier-looking inflatable cone & dog onesie from Amazon, but even Amazon isn’t magical enough to deliver what you need at 5:00 AM.

The T-Shirt Solution V1 & V2

Solution Attempt #1 - The T-shirt diaper. Version 1 (V1) of the T-shirt diaper looked hopeful. But it turned out that as soon as Brian recovered from the initial embarrassment and shock of the garment, he quickly figure out how to remove it. V2 of the T-shirt diaper looped the bottom of the T-shirt over Brian’s head - and SUCCESS….for the moment….

Lion Cone & Doggie Onesie #1

*Adorable, but an immediate failure. (Kevin the dog, looking on in horror)*

At last! The professional “real” solutions arrived in the mail - utter and immediate failure. The soft lion cone was quicky and easily removed. The ridiculous doggie onesie was too small - so small that we don’t even have a picture to entertain you. Moving on….

The Doggie Diaper

This failure was so fast that there isn’t any photographic evidence. But here is a picture of a random internet dog in a diaper so that you can appreciate the ridiculousness of the attempt.

T-shirt Solution V3 & V4

By this time, Brian had completely destroyed the first T-shirt creation. So with my new-found T-shirt engineering knowledge, I crafted this streamlined design (V3). Yes, the first version was a little bit sloppy. Created with scissors while the T-shirt was on a squirmy dog. THIS version was better. Much cleaner lines and cuts. The branding, carefully placed.

Did Brian figure out how to chew through the neck loop by early afternoon? Yes, yes, he did. So we gave up on branding, flipped that baby over, and tied the two chewed-off ends in a knot at his chest (V4). BOOM. Engineering genius.

Doggie Onesie #2 (One Size Up)

Doggie Onesie attempt #2! The bigger size arrived! We got it on the dog (not easy). How long did it take him to get it off, you ask…..15 minutes. Not exaggerating. 15 minutes. Back to the drawing board.

The Current State of Affairs

*Brian, reaching a state of embarrassed acceptance. Not pictured: Anna, accepting that there will be many sacrificial T-shirts in the next 7-10 days.*

This morning we tried two other doggie onesie variations. Neither actually prevented access to Brian’s incision site. But I have two more coming in the next couple days. I will keep trying! In the meantime, I think that Brian and I have both reached a point of exhausted acceptance.

The Moral of The Story

If you have made it this far in the saga….really?!?! You must have a dog and/or appreciate the funny, slightly sweet schadenfreude of watching me struggle to engineer doggie onesies out of T-shirts.

But here is the quick moral. Yes, it is true. Failure forces innovation. It might be messy and not that great, but even for those of us who are not NASA engineers, we can make it work when we are forced to. <sigh>

XO,

Anna & Brian

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